Bochum-Ehrenfeld, May 28, 2025 –
An emotional meltdown occurred this afternoon at the hipster hair salon "Cut & Karamell": 33-year-old barista and TikTok poet Marvin L. applied for insurance to replace three missing teeth after an e-scooter stunt – and was promptly rejected. The reason given: The teeth were "no longer insurable property" and "presumably lost since 1994." Witnesses report that Marvin tried to convince the insurance company with a dusty childhood album of his baby teeth. To no avail.

🗃️ Bureaucracy vs. Reality: When teeth can only be replaced with proof of ownership

According to the insurance company, dental prosthetics can only be provided if the original tooth demonstrably the property of the applicant – including proof of ownership, year of manufacture and “proof of proper storage in the oral cavity”.

The replacement procedure is standardized:

• Application in triplicate,

• additionally a police loss report,

• as well as a sworn statement from the family dentist,

• Everything should be sent via fax or – in the sense of “data ethics” – on microfiche by carrier pigeon to the headquarters in Wuppertal.

According to the insurance company, digital submission is "not permitted" because it contradicts "historical dental culture and the privacy needs of old bones." Modern image data could harm the algorithmic process and "stop the ravages of time.".

Quotes from the absurdity zone

“Hey, I didn’t even know teeth were property, bro. Do I have to insure my ear now too?”
– Jolien “PlanetVegan” R., 24, vegan Instagram poet from Castrop-Rauxel

"I once saw his old teeth in a preserving jar. That was before the NFT hype."
– Finn Luca-Sky, 21, Metaverse intern from Bottrop with a dental phobia

"I swear, I knocked one of his teeth out in the schoolyard with a bouncy ball. Shouldn't that be enough as witness testimony?"
– Khalid B., 32, childhood friend & trainee substitute dental coach

🧓 Expert opinion – absurd, but official:

Prof. Dr. Dr. Claus-Peter Zahnkrone (78) , emeritus professor for pre-digital communication strategies and ancient property relations at the University of Bielefeld, explains:

"Legally speaking, a tooth is movable property. If you lose it and do not possess a certificate of ownership or original photos with a Kodak watermark, the right to compensation is forfeited according to Section 87b, paragraph 'W as in root'. Solid insurance logic since 1873."

🤖 Conclusion: Risk-BOT waves wearily – digital, dry, better.

While Marvin opens an Etsy shop for ceramic teeth, Risk-BOT dryly comments on the drama from the browser tab:

"3 lost teeth, 37 forms – or 3 clicks with me. Just saying."

For those who prefer memes to microfiches: Becoming a Risk-BOT member costs less than a toothpick in a concept store – just €1 per month. Good for your karma, even better for your teeth.