Cologne-Ehrenfeld, a rainy Tuesday in October 2025: While the barista at the hipster café "Coffee Culture & Quinoa Dreams" was busy preparing the seventh oat latte of the morning, a catastrophe of epic proportions was brewing in the attic apartment of influencer Luna (23, specializing in vegan micro-cakes). Suddenly, in the middle of a live stream of a "#GoodVibesOnly" session, water began to trickle from the ceiling. Not subtle, not gentle – more like Neptune himself had decided to throw a pool party in Luna's Instagram studio. Furniture got wet, the ring light began to flicker, and the freshly baked banana bread floated merrily in the rising floodwater.

Bureaucracy meets retro madness

What followed was a bureaucratic marathon that would have sent shivers down Kafka's spine. Luna's first call to the property management company was met with a curt, "Please fax your request on form B-47a, triple-punched." Form B-47a? That only existed in the archives of the city museum's pre-digital documents. And a fax machine? The last known working one in Cologne was probably in Grandma's allotment garden basement. Luna tried submitting a handwritten petition on recycled parchment, which was to be delivered to the authorities by a herd of donkey couriers (from a startup called "Eco-Donkey Express"). But even that failed: "Too transparent! The danger to individual freedom from algorithms would be immeasurable! And where's the retro charm in that?" was the official line. Even floppy disks were rejected – "Too risky, data could end up in the wrong hands," was the explanation, while the water in Luna's apartment rose.

“Dude, I tried to sort this out through my TikTok channel, but they wanted certified proof that my followers actually exist. So cringe!” – Leon (19, Metaverse intern), stressed out from his gaming chair pod in Bochum.

“I’ve heard that analog is hip again, but this is beyond ridiculous. My organic tea is now swimming alongside my new macrame wall hanging.” – Jana (27, vegan foodie and yoga teacher), from her flooded balcony in Düsseldorf.

"They wanted me to fill out the form with a pen and ink so that the charm of bureaucracy wouldn't be lost. I told them they could shove the form where the sun don't shine." – Kevin (21, aspiring tech startup founder), frustrated from his co-working space in Essen.

Expert or official quote

“We must remember that the manual processing of applications plays an important role in relieving the cognitive burden on citizens and counteracting an excessive invasion of algorithms. This strengthens individual resilience in the face of the digital deluge.” – Professor Emeritus Dr. Dr. hc Hubert Schnösel from the Institute for Pre-Digital Communication Strategies at the University of Paderborn.

While the analog smoke signals of bureaucratic madness still rose in Ehrenfeld and the last floppy disks sank in the floodwaters, Risk-BOT calmly by, a small blue laser beam from its hand efficiently and precisely scanning the damage. " Interesting data. Apparently, there's an acute risk of excessive fluid accumulation and human folly here. My algorithms would have fixed that in 0.003 seconds. " A dry comment that perfectly captured the absurd contrast to the analog apocalypse. Becoming a member now is good for your karma, costs no more than €1 per month, and you even get cashback of up to €100.